There is a kind of grief that shows up when you’re standing in your closet and find outfits you haven’t worn in years. Sometimes they’re pushed to the back. Or, if you’re like me, they’re in a box on the top shelf, out of sight but not out of mind. You don’t even realize you’ve outgrown them until one day you find the box, open it, decide to try something on, and it doesn’t fit like it used to.

I have kept mine longer than I needed to. Trust me, I don’t have any sentimental attachment to these clothes. I keep them because they represent some kind of invisible incentive. It’s the idea that one day, if I reach a certain point, I’ll be able to step back into them.

They have become a challenge I have set for myself.

Don’t judge me, but there is a strange satisfaction in the strategy. You don’t wear the clothes, but they’ll occupy space. That existence is supposed to be motivation. They are there to remind you that the body you want is one you have had in the past which means you can still obtain that goal.

Instead of measuring progress on a scale, you measure it by whether these clothes will fit again.

Sometimes I think about how irrational it is. I haven’t worn these clothes in years. They don’t reflect my current life, my current style, or what I actually enjoy wearing. But I tell myself that once I am back at that size, I won’t have to buy new clothes. They will already be there.

It’s practical and a money saver.

The truth is, it doesn’t work for me. As much as I hate to admit it, I have gained more pounds instead of losing them. I buy new clothes to fit my current size.

I still stick to cheaper options because I cannot rationalize spending money on a size I am not ready to accept.

It is such a strange contradiction. I keep the smaller clothes as motivation, but I resist fully acknowledging my body in the present. They were supposed to be a reward. They were supposed to push me forward.

Instead, they do nothing but take up space.

Still, I don’t throw them out. They are shoved in the back of my closet or boxed up.

Maybe it is silly, but I keep them to manifest that one day I will be back to that size and able to wear the clothes I once could, even when I felt big in them. And maybe this time, I will finally be able to appreciate them.

Or maybe I will just keep them there, waiting, and see what happens.

All photo credit to Freepik